A Bit of Everything pt. 2

I haven't posted anything on here in almost a year....literally. 

So this post is to not only "update" all my followers ;) , but also to ask ya'll for prayer. 

So here it goes...

Over the past year, there have been a lot of changes in my life.  

1. I got a car! It was a surprise from my parents on Thanksgiving weekend.  It has been SUCH A HUGE HELP. ANNNDDD they got it while I was beginning my time of "interum high school program director" at ICI.. (I'll talk about that later). 
2. I got a boyfriend. He came in the mail ;).  Just kidding, obviously. 
3. I began my third year of school.. It's been rough.. BUT THE END IS IN SIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
4. I've been put in charge of the sophomore class at ICI, which is composed of 20 boys and 3 girls.. ha.. ha... *wipes sweat from forehead*.
5. I switched jobs, from Sports Authority to Starbucks.
6. OHH. I officially switched the congregation in which I meet with on Sundays, I now go to Armitage Baptist Church. 

 Ohkay... now.. where to start....

   On July 5th, 2015 (I believe), I had announced to my old church that I was going to be attending ABC.  I made the switch because I truly feel that God is calling me into ministry there, and He has grown me SO much at ABC.  Should God decide to allow me to be a full-time staff member at ICI, I would bring kids (as I have) to ABC with me, not only as their ICI leader, but as a part of the youth staff there.  

    It's been such a blast being a youth leader at ABC. I would say that I've enjoyed it more so recently than in the beginning.  I feel that the girls that I help lead in discussion groups are really becoming closer and are starting to be more specific in their answers to questions instead of being vague. 

      Before October, my parents and my (now) boyfriend.... I wouldn't necessarily say that they didn't approve of me being at ICI, or how I saw myself being on staff there, but  I guess they just.. didn't understand the ministry and how it worked.  So I invited them to the annual ICI banquet.  I PRAISE THE LORD because that was just what all of us needed.  We had all gotten into different difficult conversations about how I felt like I wasn't getting their full support and was scared that I would not have it once the time came.  After the banquet, when me and my boyfriend got in the car, he said, "Okay, I get it... I'm glad you're at ICI." Besides the fact that I cried and melted at that, I was so thankful.  During Thanksgiving, my parents were in a conversation about missions with my aunt and her kids.  My parents were going on about ICI, and what the ministry does, what my plans are, "Yeah, she's going to be a missionary through ICI." Again, I almost cried because I wasn't the one bringing it up, and the great things they were saying about the ministry. My aunt and her family got on board with ICI, it was just great.    

      A second aspect of my time at ICI is how difficult this school year has been.  There has been a lot of behavioral problems this school year, it's been nuts.  There were many nights when I would come home crying, frustrated, sad, confused, etc., etc.  I would wonder what God was doing, even if He was doing anything.  How long would God continue to allow these issues to go on? There were a couple times where I even broke down in front of the students about how I was so heart broken by their behavior.  Thankfully, today things are so different.  I feel that most of the students now, see that even through their behavior, ICI staff are different.  They'll stick with you, even during your difficult behavior, haha.  Last week, one of the boys admitted to me that he had been lying.  HOW BEAUTIFUL IS THAT?! I honestly love this group.  I think about them all day, everyday.  And praise the Lord, they know that and have started to respect me more and even listen to me more.  One boy in speicifc, I've noticed that whenever I am going in on the implications and meaning of the Gospel, there is a look on his face that he wants it.  But through his life, you see Romans 1 in the flesh, haha.  

TOPIC SWITCH

 Those of you who know me well, know that I have "endless energy", haha.  I remember my parents and leaders telling me, "Vanessa, you need to slow down.  You're going to get burnt out." "PSHHHHHH, no I won't.  I need people to have energy.  I'll get burnt out if I'm not with people!" "Vanessa, YOU REALLY NEED TO SLOW DOWN. You need to learn how to say no." "I'm not gonna say no! This thing needs me!"  

   ANNNDD....of course, they were right. As of.. basically this month.. Here I am.. officially declaring I am burnt out. 

I, Vanessa (Middle name) Alas, AM BURNT OUT. 

• Why makes me think that? 
• Here are my symptoms: drastic lack of energy, bad attitude, constantly tired even with normal amount of sleep.  Even with things that I love, like being at ICI, work, being with people.. I just don't... have the same energy. I'm just doneeeeeeee. [Important side note: please don't read this and run think, "Oh no, we need to get everyone involved and get her help."  Although you can get others to help, get others to pray for me and check up on me.  I don't need pills, or a psychiatrist.  I JUST NEED PRAYER AND SUPPORT.]  

• WHY am I tired?
• I feel like it's a couple different reasons... 
• Foundationally, I have not spent time with the Lord in months.  I can do "ministry" all day, every day- but ask me to "Be still" and read and meditate on the Word, and I'll suddenly be tired. 
• I'm REALLY, REALLY, REAALLLYY behind in my school work.. actually not really THAT behind.. but it feels like it. Not to mention i have like 2-3 weeks left, and I have to keep up with the current assignments + past due.. BRUH. And I'm at the point where, if someone tries to get me to do my homework, I get angry. 
• I'm thinking about a lot.  Whether it be my group at ICI, family stuff, my relationship, etc. It's an emotional, and now physical strain.  

Soooooo, 

pray for me y'all.  

  

Dear people of Baltimore..

Dear people of Baltimore,

I am sorry for the loss of your citizen, Freddy Gray.  I am so sorry of the way you lost him. 

Dear family of Freddy Gray,

I am at loss for words for the loss of your son, brother, nephew, cousin, and grandson.  I cannot imagine what you are going through not only with having your son pass away, but more so the form in which he has gone.  I pray that God would give you strength, wisdom, patience and especially love.  I pray that as you continue your life, you would use this event to impact your city. 

Dear churches of Baltimore,

My prayer for you, is that you be wise about how you will/won't participate in these protests.  I pray that you would educate your congregations and your immediate communities on how to react, participate and speak of these types of events.  I pray that through you, the city of Baltimore would see a light- whether it be the police force of Baltimore or the violent protestors.  Please take time out of your schedule to embrace and speak to the violent protestors. 

Dear peaceful protestors,

Thank you for what you are doing.  Thank you for proving the media wrong.  On the other hand, I am so sorry that you are not getting any media coverage.  As always, the media only portrays what they want.  I pray that this would not discourage you, but rather continue your peaceful protests.  I saw a picture of a lady stopping another lady from beating on a police car.  To that lady, thank you.  To the men and women that are doing things like that, thank you. 

Dear violent protestors,

I understand you are frustrated, I understand.  I understand that you want justice to be served.  I understand that you are sick of these events.  I understand all of this.  And although I cannot directly relate to your pain, I just want you to think.. Through all of the destruction that is going on in your city- breaking into businesses, stealing all the inventory of stores, throwing rocks and stones at the police, setting cars on fire, breaking cars, etc., etc.; what good does that do for your city?  THAT IS YOUR CITY.  You are destroying YOUR CITY.  My prayer for you, is that you would not destroy your city.  This is your home.  I understand that these cities need work.  I understand that these cases can strike a huge cord in your hearts.  But I pray that you would find a better and less destructive way to express your frustration.  I know that there are many talented people in Baltimore.  If you get a chance to listen to Ray Lewis' message to the people of Baltimore, do it. 

Dear Baltimore gangs,

Thank you. Thank you for coming together to unite for this common good.  I watched a video of about 10 guys talking about how the media portrayed your pact (to not fight each other) to go against the police.  I am sorry that this is the case, but thank you for fighting to make your voice known.  I heard a man say, "Black men stand together", or something like that.  It gave me happiness to know that you are continually striving to prove the media wrong.  My prayer for you, is that you would take this and as time progresses that you use your influence in the communities to re-build it. 

Dear Baltimore Police Department,

For those of you who know your heart is in the right place, for those of you who are hurt and angry by this, for those of you who are sick of police forces getting a bad rep because of wrong actions taken by people who are abusing their power- thank you.  I hope that you would be able to hold your team/section/partners accountable to stick to true law enforcement, not abuse.  For those of you good police, I am sorry that you are not getting any media coverage.  Please keep what you are doing.  I know that now your job is not only to "protect the city" but also to try to rebuild the reputation of your job. I pray that you would be able to show Baltimore that there is still good in the police departments across the nation, not all police will take advantage of their power. 

For those of you who are angry at this, but only because you're sick of hearing people talk about this- why?  I may not know all the details and every second of what happened on that car ride, but you if everything I have seen/heard is true- Why would you take the life of a man?  I understand that your job is hard, and sometimes you need to take action.  However, the purpose of the police academy is to train you to think of how to take action.  The first option is never to shoot.  I pray that you would be convicted of your actions.  But not only your actions, your hearts.  Whether or not you directly participated in this, and you feel defensive, I pray that your hearts would be changed, that you would come to repentance. 

Valentine's Day Weekend

Well, here comes my mushy post about loveeeeeeeee and Valentine's Dayyyyy. 
Are you ready for it?
Because it's really mushy. 
Like REALLY mushy.

This past weekend was one of the best Valentine's Day weekends EVER. 
(Ohkay, the joke can't continue. I can't think of another way to make this sound like an a "cutesy 'with the bae'" post... So, from here on out, this post will be mushy, maybe, but you'll see that it really has nothing to do with boys.)

I just came back from winter camp with my NEW JOB. This was one of those weekends, where God just confirms that I am at the right place, doing what he has called me to do. So here we go..

Friday, as I was preparing some valentines we were surprise the girls with on Saturday, one girl came to ICI just to talk with me about some stuff she's been struggling with.  I got to help her think about how her actions affect everyone around her, and even tell her how they've affected me.  God gave me that opportunity to speak truth to her.  On the way to the camp, I just sat back and looked at all my girls, and just saw how beautiful they were- smiling, laughing, singing, joking around with each other, etc. Funny thing is, that word "beautiful" would mean so much this weekend.  

Saturday, was... woof. 
It was a cold... COLD COLD day, sledding and snow selfies, hot chocolate and "1,000 miles" covers. Oh! Me and my co-counselor also surprised the girls with personalized handmade/written valentines and chocolates But at night, God did some work in me, let me tell you.  
We had finished the night lesson and started the discussion groups.  We split up the guys and the girls.  I can't remember what the exact question was, but all of a sudden stories upon stories of heartbreak, and hurt, and horrible things were pouring out of these girls' hearts. 
"I just don't think I deserve love. All the bad things I've done, I just feel like I don't deserve love."
"I just don't understand how if God is so powerful, why couldn't he stop these things from happening to me? Instead, he just let it happen."

Even writing this is difficult.  I am just ANGRY at the things that these beautiful girls have gone through, the horrible things that have been said about it.  I remember one of the stories made me cry and start rocking back and forth a little because I was just angry at the horrible things she's gone through.  

However, there was something beautiful last night..
After the pouring out of stories, one of the girls was sitting outside on some steps (keep in mind that this was at WINTER camp, and it was about... oohh..... -15 degrees and she just had a sweater on).  I went and sat next to her and told her she needed to come inside, but she didn't want to.  I put my jacket around her and sat next to her.  A little bit before that, she had been talking to my "co-counselor" about some stuff. 
"Look, I don't know what you guys talked about in there, and I know you just want everyone to leave you alone and shut up, but let me just say one thing. What you did in the group, and what you said, that was so beautiful, so beautiful."
She went on to tell me how she has been living and trying to become more like Christ on her own (she became a Christian last year at summer camp).  I told her that we can barely do anything on our own, muchless the Christian life.. we can't do it on our own.  I told her that she needed to find a community, but then she said she couldn't because she doesn't trust people.  

As time went on, my co-counselor came out and put her jacket on me, but I gave it to the girl.  She resisted, but this time was about her.  I told her that she needed to pray that God would break down those walls and allow her to find community that would encourage her and build her up.  I also explained to her how living the Christian life isn't done on our own strength, we moment by moment need to pray that God would give us his strength.  

By this time, every sentence I said, I was shivering so much that I would bite my tongue with almost every word.  I say this, not to brag, or to show off or whatever, but because I want you to be there with me.  I want you to be able to imagine what that was like.  It was during that conversation that I was overwhelmed with worry, yet humbled that God would want to use me in these precious girls' lives.  Why did he pick me? I don't know... I feel like whenever I try to give advice or whatever, it's not as good as other leaders at ICI, so I almost shy away from opportunities like the ones I had this weekend.  I know that God places me in those situations and gives me the words he wants me to say, so I need not worry about "saying the right thing/saying the wrong thing", because the Holy Spirit is the one giving me the words to say.  

To my girls, if you're reading this, please never forget that God's love for you is perfect.  My prayer is that he would reveal himself to you, and that you would be able to feel his embrace and love, that he would give you the PEACE THAT SURPASSES ALLLLLLLLLL UNDERSTANDING. 
YOU. 
ARE. 
BEAUTIFUL.

Love, 

your onesie-wearing-leader.

 

Some Jokes Just Aren't Funny.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

BREAKING NEWS/Stand By Me

"15 year old shot..."
"Man shot..."
"Child shot.."
"21 year old man, shot.."

As a Chicago dweller, this news is something I hear more than once every day. It effects me every single time.  I feel heartbroken that people are losing their lives to senseless acts of violence.  I feel heartbroken that moms are losing daughters, fathers are losing sons, siblings are losing siblings, friends are losing their other halves, husbands losing their wives, and wives losing their husbands.

The thing about this type of news though, is that for some reason the news still calls it "Breaking news", like if this is some type of new behavior.  The sad part is that shootings and fatalities AREN'T BREAKING NEWS, they AREN'T NEW BEHAVIORS. I'm not saying that the news should stop announcing this, but... I don't know, to be honest. I just don't think it should be called "Breaking news" anymore.

As most of you who know me know, one of these reports has hit home. For those followers and fans across the globe who don't (that was a joke..), let me fill you in.  On Tuesday, December 9th at about 10 AM, my dear friend and brother Leo Matias was shot in the head.  He was servicing a fire extinguisher in Uptown, a job he had just started 2 weeks before that.  He was the victim of a drive by, not the intended target.  You can actually read the full article here.  
He passed away on Wednesday, the 10th, about 24 hours later. 

The rest of that week was physically painful.  It was finals week for me, so I had to write a 14 page paper with that on my mind. I didn't let myself accept it or think about it because I needed to finish a big paper for one of my classes.  But on Wednesday night, at around 10:30 PM, I found myself in the library with chest pains.  I wanted to mourn over the loss of my friend, but I couldn't.  I could literally feel all the pain building up inside, causing me breathing problems.

I didn't realize his death was a reality.  I figured he wasn't at church on Sunday because he was working.  I couldn't understand why people at Moody were telling me, "I'm sorry for your loss, I'm praying for you and the family" or even why that Sunday's service we were talking about him like he wasn't still here. So Monday came, Leo's funeral.  I figured I had to accept it because it was going to be an open casket.  At first I was fine, cracking jokes and everything, but once it came time to sit down...watch the slide show and sing Leo's favorite song "God is Able" (which was hard to sing without the electric guitar part-his part), it was suddenly true.  Leo, my brother, wasn't here anymore.. When it came time to see his body, I completely lost it.  I couldn't deny it anymore, I couldn't be strong anymore. I had just seen him last week (from that Sunday service).  He asked me how work was.. And now he's gone?

The next day, the burial.  That was LITERALLY THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER HAD TO DO.  We had another small service, one more chance to see him, and then gave his family some time.  I stood in one of the side rooms, and watched.  I saw as his family stood by him, caressing his face, and his little brother even playing with his hair.  It broke my heart.  Then it came time for the casket to close.  I remember wanting to scream out, "Don't close it! Don't do it!" and losing strength in my body as I started to cry out loud.  I had to hold onto the ledge to keep me from falling.  I was breathing so hard, my sides hurt. My mom came, held me upright, and took me to the car so that we could be on our way to the cemetery.  The way there, I was going in and out of crying.  When we got to the spot, I stood by my cousin and watched as the guys from my church brought the casket. I started crying again as they took off their white gloves and placed them on the casket.  As my pastor and some other pastors were talking, I was just looking at the casket.  I was angry, to be honest.  What did the shooter get out of this? Street cred? I KNOW he didn't get the intended target, because my friend was the victim.  Do they know what they took from us? Did they know what kind of man they took?  What a servant you were? What an example of a Godly man you were? How teens, young men, and men looked up to you?  There were points where I would be crying so hard, that my knees would give out a little bit, and my mom would have to hold me up right again.  When the pastors were done talking, it was time to lower the casket.  As they lowered it, my knees really gave out, and I cried out loud again.  It took everything in me to not scream out, "NO! Don't do it! Don't lower him!", I actually mumbled it. My dad came by my side and held me up as I cried.  The family and some members of the church got some flowers to toss onto the casket.  I remember how hard it was just seeing the family do it, I can't even imagine how hard it felt doing it.  I will never forget the way his dad did it, he didn't want to let go.  I again, wanted to scream out not to.  When it came time for me to toss my flower, the few steps up there felt like a mile. I remember looking back and forth at the flower and the casket.  My dad told me, "Let it go, Nena. Let it go." I couldn't.  Finally though, I opened my clutched hands, but it wouldn't fall out. I had to move my whole arm so that the motion of it would knock the flower onto my hand.  I walked back, grasping onto my dad.

We went back to the church, to enjoy some food served up by a "friend-church" of ours, Berea (Y'all the real MVP's).  There, I stood on the sidelines, talking to my friend, when one of the guys came up to me.  "Oh Vanessa" and hugged me. "I just stopped crying, man!" He just kept hugging me.  "Did Vanessa tell you we grew up together?" He asked my friend.

OHKAY. I'm done with that.

The whole purpose of me retelling you these things, was so that HOPEFULLY SOMEONE out there could read this, and see the hurt that this senseless violence causes- not that you should need reminding.  But then again, maybe with all the news stories, we might just think this is normal, and be numb to it. IT'S NOT NORMAL. This is humanity's SINFUL nature.  THIS IS WHY CHICAGO NEEDS JESUS.

 (As you can see, we grew up together. He is right next to me, looking back at his brother. The people in this picture are my family. I've known them my whole life.)

Leo, thank you for living a Godly life, serving the church with everything you had in you.

 God, thank you for allowing Leo to be apart of my whole life, thank you that he wasn't just a friend from church, but a brother. 

Leo, enjoy worshiping the Lord face to face. I know you're doing great up there.

We'll miss you Leo. Gone, but definitely never forgotten.