"Man shot..."
"Child shot.."
"21 year old man, shot.."
As a Chicago dweller, this news is something I hear more than once every day. It effects me every single time. I feel heartbroken that people are losing their lives to senseless acts of violence. I feel heartbroken that moms are losing daughters, fathers are losing sons, siblings are losing siblings, friends are losing their other halves, husbands losing their wives, and wives losing their husbands.
The thing about this type of news though, is that for some reason the news still calls it "Breaking news", like if this is some type of new behavior. The sad part is that shootings and fatalities AREN'T BREAKING NEWS, they AREN'T NEW BEHAVIORS. I'm not saying that the news should stop announcing this, but... I don't know, to be honest. I just don't think it should be called "Breaking news" anymore.
As most of you who know me know, one of these reports has hit home. For those followers and fans across the globe who don't (that was a joke..), let me fill you in. On Tuesday, December 9th at about 10 AM, my dear friend and brother Leo Matias was shot in the head. He was servicing a fire extinguisher in Uptown, a job he had just started 2 weeks before that. He was the victim of a drive by, not the intended target. You can actually read the full article here.
He passed away on Wednesday, the 10th, about 24 hours later.
The rest of that week was physically painful. It was finals week for me, so I had to write a 14 page paper with that on my mind. I didn't let myself accept it or think about it because I needed to finish a big paper for one of my classes. But on Wednesday night, at around 10:30 PM, I found myself in the library with chest pains. I wanted to mourn over the loss of my friend, but I couldn't. I could literally feel all the pain building up inside, causing me breathing problems.
I didn't realize his death was a reality. I figured he wasn't at church on Sunday because he was working. I couldn't understand why people at Moody were telling me, "I'm sorry for your loss, I'm praying for you and the family" or even why that Sunday's service we were talking about him like he wasn't still here. So Monday came, Leo's funeral. I figured I had to accept it because it was going to be an open casket. At first I was fine, cracking jokes and everything, but once it came time to sit down...watch the slide show and sing Leo's favorite song "God is Able" (which was hard to sing without the electric guitar part-his part), it was suddenly true. Leo, my brother, wasn't here anymore.. When it came time to see his body, I completely lost it. I couldn't deny it anymore, I couldn't be strong anymore. I had just seen him last week (from that Sunday service). He asked me how work was.. And now he's gone?
The next day, the burial. That was LITERALLY THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER HAD TO DO. We had another small service, one more chance to see him, and then gave his family some time. I stood in one of the side rooms, and watched. I saw as his family stood by him, caressing his face, and his little brother even playing with his hair. It broke my heart. Then it came time for the casket to close. I remember wanting to scream out, "Don't close it! Don't do it!" and losing strength in my body as I started to cry out loud. I had to hold onto the ledge to keep me from falling. I was breathing so hard, my sides hurt. My mom came, held me upright, and took me to the car so that we could be on our way to the cemetery. The way there, I was going in and out of crying. When we got to the spot, I stood by my cousin and watched as the guys from my church brought the casket. I started crying again as they took off their white gloves and placed them on the casket. As my pastor and some other pastors were talking, I was just looking at the casket. I was angry, to be honest. What did the shooter get out of this? Street cred? I KNOW he didn't get the intended target, because my friend was the victim. Do they know what they took from us? Did they know what kind of man they took? What a servant you were? What an example of a Godly man you were? How teens, young men, and men looked up to you? There were points where I would be crying so hard, that my knees would give out a little bit, and my mom would have to hold me up right again. When the pastors were done talking, it was time to lower the casket. As they lowered it, my knees really gave out, and I cried out loud again. It took everything in me to not scream out, "NO! Don't do it! Don't lower him!", I actually mumbled it. My dad came by my side and held me up as I cried. The family and some members of the church got some flowers to toss onto the casket. I remember how hard it was just seeing the family do it, I can't even imagine how hard it felt doing it. I will never forget the way his dad did it, he didn't want to let go. I again, wanted to scream out not to. When it came time for me to toss my flower, the few steps up there felt like a mile. I remember looking back and forth at the flower and the casket. My dad told me, "Let it go, Nena. Let it go." I couldn't. Finally though, I opened my clutched hands, but it wouldn't fall out. I had to move my whole arm so that the motion of it would knock the flower onto my hand. I walked back, grasping onto my dad.
We went back to the church, to enjoy some food served up by a "friend-church" of ours, Berea (Y'all the real MVP's). There, I stood on the sidelines, talking to my friend, when one of the guys came up to me. "Oh Vanessa" and hugged me. "I just stopped crying, man!" He just kept hugging me. "Did Vanessa tell you we grew up together?" He asked my friend.
OHKAY. I'm done with that.
The whole purpose of me retelling you these things, was so that HOPEFULLY SOMEONE out there could read this, and see the hurt that this senseless violence causes- not that you should need reminding. But then again, maybe with all the news stories, we might just think this is normal, and be numb to it. IT'S NOT NORMAL. This is humanity's SINFUL nature. THIS IS WHY CHICAGO NEEDS JESUS.
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(As you can see, we grew up together. He is right next to me, looking back at his brother. The people in this picture are my family. I've known them my whole life.)
Leo, thank you for living a Godly life, serving the church with everything you had in you.
God, thank you for allowing Leo to be apart of my whole life, thank you that he wasn't just a friend from church, but a brother.
Leo, enjoy worshiping the Lord face to face. I know you're doing great up there.
We'll miss you Leo. Gone, but definitely never forgotten.
