BREAKING NEWS/Stand By Me

"15 year old shot..."
"Man shot..."
"Child shot.."
"21 year old man, shot.."

As a Chicago dweller, this news is something I hear more than once every day. It effects me every single time.  I feel heartbroken that people are losing their lives to senseless acts of violence.  I feel heartbroken that moms are losing daughters, fathers are losing sons, siblings are losing siblings, friends are losing their other halves, husbands losing their wives, and wives losing their husbands.

The thing about this type of news though, is that for some reason the news still calls it "Breaking news", like if this is some type of new behavior.  The sad part is that shootings and fatalities AREN'T BREAKING NEWS, they AREN'T NEW BEHAVIORS. I'm not saying that the news should stop announcing this, but... I don't know, to be honest. I just don't think it should be called "Breaking news" anymore.

As most of you who know me know, one of these reports has hit home. For those followers and fans across the globe who don't (that was a joke..), let me fill you in.  On Tuesday, December 9th at about 10 AM, my dear friend and brother Leo Matias was shot in the head.  He was servicing a fire extinguisher in Uptown, a job he had just started 2 weeks before that.  He was the victim of a drive by, not the intended target.  You can actually read the full article here.  
He passed away on Wednesday, the 10th, about 24 hours later. 

The rest of that week was physically painful.  It was finals week for me, so I had to write a 14 page paper with that on my mind. I didn't let myself accept it or think about it because I needed to finish a big paper for one of my classes.  But on Wednesday night, at around 10:30 PM, I found myself in the library with chest pains.  I wanted to mourn over the loss of my friend, but I couldn't.  I could literally feel all the pain building up inside, causing me breathing problems.

I didn't realize his death was a reality.  I figured he wasn't at church on Sunday because he was working.  I couldn't understand why people at Moody were telling me, "I'm sorry for your loss, I'm praying for you and the family" or even why that Sunday's service we were talking about him like he wasn't still here. So Monday came, Leo's funeral.  I figured I had to accept it because it was going to be an open casket.  At first I was fine, cracking jokes and everything, but once it came time to sit down...watch the slide show and sing Leo's favorite song "God is Able" (which was hard to sing without the electric guitar part-his part), it was suddenly true.  Leo, my brother, wasn't here anymore.. When it came time to see his body, I completely lost it.  I couldn't deny it anymore, I couldn't be strong anymore. I had just seen him last week (from that Sunday service).  He asked me how work was.. And now he's gone?

The next day, the burial.  That was LITERALLY THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER HAD TO DO.  We had another small service, one more chance to see him, and then gave his family some time.  I stood in one of the side rooms, and watched.  I saw as his family stood by him, caressing his face, and his little brother even playing with his hair.  It broke my heart.  Then it came time for the casket to close.  I remember wanting to scream out, "Don't close it! Don't do it!" and losing strength in my body as I started to cry out loud.  I had to hold onto the ledge to keep me from falling.  I was breathing so hard, my sides hurt. My mom came, held me upright, and took me to the car so that we could be on our way to the cemetery.  The way there, I was going in and out of crying.  When we got to the spot, I stood by my cousin and watched as the guys from my church brought the casket. I started crying again as they took off their white gloves and placed them on the casket.  As my pastor and some other pastors were talking, I was just looking at the casket.  I was angry, to be honest.  What did the shooter get out of this? Street cred? I KNOW he didn't get the intended target, because my friend was the victim.  Do they know what they took from us? Did they know what kind of man they took?  What a servant you were? What an example of a Godly man you were? How teens, young men, and men looked up to you?  There were points where I would be crying so hard, that my knees would give out a little bit, and my mom would have to hold me up right again.  When the pastors were done talking, it was time to lower the casket.  As they lowered it, my knees really gave out, and I cried out loud again.  It took everything in me to not scream out, "NO! Don't do it! Don't lower him!", I actually mumbled it. My dad came by my side and held me up as I cried.  The family and some members of the church got some flowers to toss onto the casket.  I remember how hard it was just seeing the family do it, I can't even imagine how hard it felt doing it.  I will never forget the way his dad did it, he didn't want to let go.  I again, wanted to scream out not to.  When it came time for me to toss my flower, the few steps up there felt like a mile. I remember looking back and forth at the flower and the casket.  My dad told me, "Let it go, Nena. Let it go." I couldn't.  Finally though, I opened my clutched hands, but it wouldn't fall out. I had to move my whole arm so that the motion of it would knock the flower onto my hand.  I walked back, grasping onto my dad.

We went back to the church, to enjoy some food served up by a "friend-church" of ours, Berea (Y'all the real MVP's).  There, I stood on the sidelines, talking to my friend, when one of the guys came up to me.  "Oh Vanessa" and hugged me. "I just stopped crying, man!" He just kept hugging me.  "Did Vanessa tell you we grew up together?" He asked my friend.

OHKAY. I'm done with that.

The whole purpose of me retelling you these things, was so that HOPEFULLY SOMEONE out there could read this, and see the hurt that this senseless violence causes- not that you should need reminding.  But then again, maybe with all the news stories, we might just think this is normal, and be numb to it. IT'S NOT NORMAL. This is humanity's SINFUL nature.  THIS IS WHY CHICAGO NEEDS JESUS.

 (As you can see, we grew up together. He is right next to me, looking back at his brother. The people in this picture are my family. I've known them my whole life.)

Leo, thank you for living a Godly life, serving the church with everything you had in you.

 God, thank you for allowing Leo to be apart of my whole life, thank you that he wasn't just a friend from church, but a brother. 

Leo, enjoy worshiping the Lord face to face. I know you're doing great up there.

We'll miss you Leo. Gone, but definitely never forgotten.

Chicago, Keep Going.

*insert apology for not writing in a while, but it's not like millions of followers have been let down by the absence of my blogs*

For those of you who know me well, or maybe through Facebook, Chicago, and anything "inner-city" is my passion.  God has just put this huge burden for the city on my heart.  It's a difficult one.  One that sometimes feels as if it is too overwhelming, unfeasible (ohhh. big word. like it?)- to bring the Gospel to the whole city.

You might think, "Oh did you make it out of the hood? And you wanna go back and help make it better?" Nooottttt necessarily. I didn't grow up in THE HOOD. But I did grow up in areas where there were some elements of danger.  Where I live now is not as bad as where I grew up, but there are some areas within 5 minutes of driving that are known for gang-violence and drug locations. I think it's a mix of where I grew up, where those close to me grew up and went to school (my family), and hearing stories from the families that attend the school my mom works at.  There is so much hurt and heart break in the city, guys. How can you NOT be burdened by it?!

On Facebook, I follow NBC 5 news.  For those of you not from Chicago, it's one of our biggest news channels. It's a cool way to stay in touch with what's happening since I don't actually watch the news.. BUT, it's also almost always disheartening.  It is usually something about ANOTHER person getting shot in the south side, or Logan Square/Humboldt Park, or even as recent as in my back yard, the HIP. It's news stories like that that encourage me and push me to continue working and shining a light in the my and our beautiful city of Chicago- ESPECIALLY when the victim is a teen.

A couple weeks ago, a really cool ministry called By The Hand came to one of my classes here at Moody.  To open up, they showed a video about their ministry and what they do.  The statistics on there.. I had to try with everything I had not to walk out of the auditorium and not start bawling.

All you have to do to see the need and hurt in this city is google "shootings in Chicago".  Instantly, you'll get the number of people that have been shot and killed in the matter of hours.  It's horrifying, really. On a tuesday morning not too long ago, it was 3 on a monday night.  And one of them was a 3 year old baby! My niece is about to turn 3! I cannot imagine losing her.

Ohkay. Sorry about the rant. I don't want this to be a debbie downer.

Now, What do we do to fix this?

Honestly, I don't have a simple 3 step process to heal all of Chicago. I wish I did.

But! I just want to encourage those of you who are Christians, in Chicago:

KEEP GOING.

Nehemiah 4:10 says, "In Judah it was said,^[d] “The strength of those who bear the burdens is failing. There is too much rubble. By ourselves we will not be able to rebuild the wall." then 17, "Those who carried burdens were loaded in such a way that each labored on the work with one hand and held his weapon with the othe^{r."  then down to verse 19 (idk what's going on with this weird upper type...) "9} And I said to the nobles and to the officials and to the rest of the people, “The work is great and widely spread, and we are separated on the wall, far from one another. ²⁰ In the place where you hear the sound of the trumpet, rally to us there. Our God will fight for us.”

I just find those verses really encouraging.  It may feel like the burden I am carrying is too much.  I can't do it by myself.  But in reality, I'm not by myself.  Not only do I have the Lord, but he has provided me with some great teammates to come along side of me and help me on this mission.  "Our God will fight for us." 

Happy Anniversary!

Happy 1 Year Anniversary!

"Happy Anniversary Vanessa?!?! Are you in a relationship?!?!"

NO, relax. Just keep reading. 

So, what kind of anniversary am I celebrating then? 

Well, as of Saturday, September 6th, 2014, I "celebrated" my one year anniversary of being at ICI.  I didn't really do anything to celebrate it, but.. it was.. haha. 

This past year... I mean, you can talk to anyone I know, I have loved every second of being at ICI.  I have learned so much there, and the kids there... I mean, you just can't leave them.  My "Co-workers".. awesome people- just awesome.  

Originally, I was gonna be there for just eight weeks, but then I loved it so much that I stayed. Not just for the rest of the semester, but the rest of the year! 

I had told my internship supervisor that after the school year finished, that I was not going to continue serving there because of some personal.. err.. things. He encouraged me to stay at least throughout the summer, that they needed all the help they can get during the summer, so I agreed.

After I had told him that.. I just looked into the kids' eyes, and I just can't.  I am not done there, and obviously neither was I back then. 

A couple months after that meeting, I got the letter from Moody Bible Institute that I was accepted onto the Chicago campus.  The next time I went to Moody, I filled out the paper work to secure my PCM (practical Christian Ministry) at ICI.  I texted my now supervisor and said "I just signed my life over to you guys for another year!"

So the school year finished, and the summer came.  I was so excited to experience and help lead my first summer at ICI, many different events, along with weekend bible studies with the girls.  If you read my post about Phantom Ranch, then you have a pretty good idea of what the highlight of my summer was. 

If you didn't read it, let me try and give a short "synopsis" (you like that? Big words... but don't get used to it). 

This summer, I got to go with ICI to the Urban Camp that a local church hosts at

Phantom Ranch.  It was my first year not only with ICI, but being a full-on counselor. 

From the first day, I saw God working in these teens' lives in a way I had never seen before.

On the last chapel night, anywhere you looked there were broken hearts.  Not the "bf/gf" broken hearts, but hearts that God had worked on this week. 

It was that night, that beautiful, tearful, beautiful night, that just... gave me peace about being at ICI.  To have this as your "JOB".. like wow.. I can't.. (I literally can't even).  This is the most beautiful thing.  

And ohkay, sure not every week is gonna be people getting saved, but I mean.. to be the hands and feet of Christ to these kids, to this community, to Chicago.. Is there really anything better?  I think any other career would just be settling, and I don't think that's what God wants us to do..

Now obviously, for those that are saved, and even those that aren't, we encourage them to go to church.  Recently, those that got saved at camp have been going to church pretty consistently.  They have met leaders at the church that they have really connected with and feel comfortable talking to.  It's funny because.. I think that sometimes I try and act like a mom to them, but once, a boy told me, "Don't act like my mom.  You're not old enough to act like my mom!"  But anyways, and.. before I continue, know that I will probably begin to cry onto my keyboard as I type this.. 

      Let me give you a little ..uh.. story..? about the idea I'm about to say. 

Once, I had a birthday party, and my parents and I were shocked at the amount of people that showed up, and the gifts they gave.  I remember my parents saying, "The best gift a parent can receive is to see someone care for you guys like we do."

     So with thatttt... When I hear that the kids feel loved and cared for by the leaders at their new church, in a similar/equal way that I love my kids... it's beautiful.  It brings me to tears.  I couldn't be more thankful.  I really couldn't.  Especially when the kids say, "We talked and.. I needed to talk to someone for a while and I didn't even know."  Like.. when someone can bring stuff like that out for your kids.. ahh. Idk.. but, I just think that's so beautiful, and I couldn't be more grateful. 

All in all, the biggest thing that I have come out of this year of being there, is that God has placed this huge passion in my heart that I can't dim down.. I couldn't even if I tried.  He gave me a passion for inner-city high school students (even though I'll look like a Junior Higher for years).   That's why I'm going to Moody.  To be trained and equipped to work out this passion that God gave me to the best of my abilities.  Ask me what my favorite classes are, and I'll tell you right away, "Urban Youth Min and Youth Min." 

I LOVE WHAT I DO. 

And God willing, I pray that I may continue to do this for many years to come.

A Bit of Everything (literally..).

OHKAY. Let me just warn you.

This blog is gonna be all over the place. 

It's not about one certain topic, or event. 

It's just a bit of an informative, teaching (hopefully) blog..

First thing's first: The Power of the Tongue.

I mean, I think we all know.. The tongue is one of the most powerful things... in almost every aspect of life. It can open doors, it can definitely shut them. It can bring people up, or it can stab their hearts, and twist the knife, causing them extreme pain. 

"They've lifted my heart
To places I'd never been
And they've dragged me down
Back to where I began

Let my words be life
Let my words be truth
I don't wanna say a word
Unless it points the world back to You
(Back to You)

Let the words I say
(Let the words I say)
Be the sound of Your grace
(Sound like Your grace)
I don't wanna say a word
Unless it points the world back to You "

-Hawk Nelson "Words"

But let's think about the tongue from a different aspect than just the actual words we say.... Because as I have recently been reminded of, the words, the actual WORDS that we say can be beautiful, they can even be bible verses.. but the TONE, my friends... is as much a crucial part of how people will react as are the words.  

Working with youth this year, really getting my hands dirty with it, has taught me SOOO much about how to speak to people, how to communicate what I'm feeling, and how to teach without sounding judgmental or like I'm "Oh so Holy." I know that this is something I've always struggled with.  Even when I was in high school, I remember a girl on my volleyball team telling me "You don't even sound like you're trying to help.  It just sounds like you're condemning me!" and she wasn't a Christian.  So, you can ask anyone, and I'm pretty sure they can attest to the fact that "I'm just a product of grace that's still in the process." (Shout out to Andy Mineo). 

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So yesterday, Wednesday, August 20th, I moved into my college, Moody Bible Institute.  I am a sophomore at Moody (even though my PCM roster says freshy).  It's so surreal. Like, "Dang. I'm growing up." Haha. For those of you who know my parents and their ever so loose rules, you know how big this step is for me.  I mean, I still live 20 minutes away from them (so I can still technically say I'm in their 20 minute radius -____-).  

I am beyond excited to be here.  To be trained how to do ministry, in my hometown, FOR my hometown... there is nothing better than that.  To be among thousands of students all praising, worshiping and working for the same goal of furthering the kingdom... I really don't think you can get a better place. 

I'm also blessed to be "returning" in my PCM to ICI.  It's pretty cool the way the Lord works things out, and his timing... I'm taking Youth Ministry classes........ WHILE I do the actual ministry... I don't have to wait years to apply what I learn today.  I can apply it that same day, or that week. It's beautiful. 

I cannot wait to see what the Lord has for me this year, and these coming years at Moody, at ICI, and wherever the Lord decides to take me.  I know that I feel peace about what I'm doing, and where I'm at.  I truly feel the peace of God with me.  The Lord knows I'ma need his strength during finals and mid-terms, but ..maybe if I look into the eyes of the kids that I work with... there, the Lord WILL renew my strength.

EPIC.

"PHANTOM RANCH...?!!" "IS RAWWW!!!!"
"TRADITIONSSSSSS, TRADITIONS."
"STEVE LAUGHLIN" "OHH NAH NAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."
"AAYYEE-MEN. AYYYEE-MEN. AYEE-MEN. AMEN, AMEN."

You might read those quotes and think, "What the heck..?" But for anyone who has ever been to Urban week at Phantom Ranch, those are the norm. In fact, they might look at you like you were crazy because you didn't know them (Don't ask me how I know.....).

What is Urban week, you ask? Urban week is a camp put on by hosted by Armitage Baptist Church for high school students who live in, ...the suburbs. -____-.
I hope you know that was a joke... hence the URBAN in "urban week."

This was my first year going, and it DEFINITELY will not be my last (Lord willing).  I went with as a counselor with ICI (and let me tell you, I BARELY made the age cut, haha. #babyprobs).

Like I said in my previous post, when I saw the van come into the driveway, my heart was instantly filled with joy.  I love these kids. Spending a whole week with them, getting closer than ever with some of them, IT. WAS. BEAUTIFUL.

If you have never seen the Lord work in someone's life, I wish I could take you with me on the Tardis, go back to Sunday, and let you experience camp.  The Lord broke down not just walls, but BIG CONCRETE buildings.

I had the pleasure of being in Lonestar with two other co-counselors who were awesome and we were all very similar.  The girls in my cabin were all such a pleasure to have, they brought SOOO much laughter, a good amount of tears, and much more.  I got extremely close to three girls in particular thanks to how the cabin was set up.  There were 3 rooms total, one big one, and two smaller ones.  I was in one of the smaller rooms with 3 of my ICI girls.  Let me tell you, that week with them was LOUD, hilarious, and emotional. One night, I stayed up till 2:12 talking with one of them about her past, her present, and ultimately, the Gospel.

Every night, we had this time called Cabin Wrap-Ups.  As a cabin we reflected on the messages we heard at chapel that day.  Most girls stayed quiet, yet some girls were completely honest and transparent.  They admitted that they didn't know if God was real, and if he was why couldn't they see him? Why couldn't they feel him when they prayed?  What if this was all just a waste of time?

I am typing this today to tell you that those same girls, THOSE. SAME. GIRLS received the gift of salvation on Friday night.  It was the most beautiful, emotional, and humbling experience ever. Let me take you back to that tear-filled night.

Oaks Chapel: lights dimmed, except for the spot light on Bryant, the speaker. His voice was cracking as tears were hitting the lenses of his glasses. He was pleading with these kids to accept the gospel.  (What happened next may at first seem like an "altar call", but it was more like a prayer time.)  Counselors- female and male, lined up the sides of Oak Chapel. "If there is anything you want to pray about, go to your Counselors and pray with them." 

So there I stood- puffy hair, my little brother's sweater, and my Nike running pants.  Music played in the background.  Out of the corner of my eye, I see one of my girls getting up, tears soaking her cheeks.  I see her walking towards me. "Oh my goodness.. I wonder what's wrong," I thought as  she walked towards me. I gave her the biggest hug while she cried on my shoulder. "I want to accept Jesus into my life," she said, shaking her head as if that were a silly question. I completely lost it. Her friend came up behind sobbing into her black and white stripped dress and said, "Me too."  I stretched my short little arms across them and just cried with them, but tears of utter joy.

Later that night there was a bonfire. *"Ohhhhh bonfire. Light it up, light it up." 4x* It was me, my two girls, plus two other ones, and my two little brothers.  I told one of them how I felt that I wasn't worthy enough to pray that HUGE prayer, questioning why would God use me for such an important task?  We all spent that night just listening to how God was working through the lives of the other campers, and even some of the counselors.

When I thought that that night would finish without one of my girls who I had grown really close with receiving salvation, God had shown me once again that it is HIS timing that is perfect.  Not mine.  The last girl pulled me and my "co-worker/supervisor.....?" aside and said, "You guys said you guys can't replace my aunt, but you guys are extremely close. I want to bring my imperfections to God, and let him work through them.  If I die tonight, I want people to know I was happy."  With that, me and my co-workervisor.. looked at each other, amazed and shocked.  We ended the night by praying for her, and more tears, and more hugs.

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Sorry for this long post, but.. let me just finish off with this quick thought (dang, that word.. haha #youthminprobs).  After the "Life-on-life Ministry" class at the Legacy conference, I spoke to the teacher.  He told me, "At the end of the day you have to be obedient to God."
With all that went on this week, and just my overall experience in what a potential career in full-time ministry would look like and be like, I know this is what God is calling me too.

Being with these kids... when I'm with them.. I have this joy inside of me, like I can't explain.  And I just wanna see them all succeed in life, but more importantly I want to see them all reach the world for Christ.  The thought of facilitating that for them, of being there for them despite those who have left them... I really don't think it can get any better than that.

God's timing.

Yesterday, it hit me again how perfect God's timing is.

This past week was the annual Legacy conference at Moody. For those of you who don't know what it is, Legacy is a Christian urban discipleship conference taught by some of the biggest names in Christian hip-hop, along with other well known and respected urban leaders. This was my second year going, and it was TREMENDOUSLY better than my first year.

Last year, I had not had the opportunity to be a leader.  So a lot of the material... Well,  I couldn't apply it.  This year,  however,  that changed and I cannot tell you how grateful I am for that change.  I got to become one of the leaders of some of the greatest high school students ever.  I got to work along side of an organization that is ALL ABOUT discipleship and life on life ministry.  I've learned SOO much this year. 

This year at Legacy, I went to the Life-on-Life track/workshop with Pastor Nick Rivera.  His class,  seriously.... It blew me away..  It was so good, so practical and biblical. I spoke to him after about some decisions I have to make in the future.  He told me,  "At the end of the day,  you have to be obedient to God."

That hit me hard. Although my future plans might not be the most appealing or understood, I truly feel peace with what I feel God calling me to, but I always felt guilty because of the other people and what they thought of it.

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As I type this, I find myself in the bottom of a bunk bed, within Lonestar cabin and all of my girls at Urban week at Phantom Ranch- a bunch of churches and organizations from the city of Chicago, that bring their kids to hear the gospel and feel Christ's love for a whole week with the intent of a better, longer, easier intent of discipleship after camp is over.

The leaders/counselors got here on Saturday afternoon, and had a little worship session on Sunday morning. I sat back, closed my eyes, joined and worshipped with these leaders. Listening to all these voices lifting up the name of Christ.. Wow. It just takes my breath away. And knowing that all of us are here to show these kid's true hope, love and life... I texted my mom after this message:
" Man, Mom..
God's timing is.. So perfect.
Straight after Legacy, i get a weeklong opportunity to apply what i learned.
We just had chapel.. And worshipping with all these leaders.. Wow. I could do this the rest of my life. "

When the kids drove down to the Phantom Ranch yesterday (Sunday), all the leaders were waiting with joyful, prayer-filled hearts. Seeing their smiles, just melted my heart. And just talking to them and being around them while they waited to check in..  Like really.. This is the best.

    Today was the first full day of camp, and it was great. I really, REALLY love this. I just feel so incredibly blessed and unworthy to do what I do. The fact that God would use a broken vessel like me, to help touch these lives for Christ... It's mind blowing.

 I hope that those of you who read this can sense how happy I am, and the love I have for these kids.  Chicago teens have it hard when their homes are not only broken, but they live in the murder capital. My prayer is to make this place a safe place, where they sense true love. Not love that comes out of MY human being, but of the love and grace that God has given me.

Nineteen.

Last Thursday was my birthday.

As I looked (and continue to look) back, I'm not so pleased with how this past year was.  I feel like I didn't GROW that much.
*Insert short joke here*
Thanks to my mom's short Mexican genes, I am done growing; but of course, I mean spiritual growth.  It didn't really happen this year.
Why?
Well, there shouldn't really be excuses for having a plateau in my faith.. but, this year was just really hard.  I hated having online school, even though I loved what I was learning.  That in itself took a lot out of me.  I also figured, "Well, I'm taking Bible classes...soooooo, that can count as my devotional time for the day."  And yes, it was awesome being able to learn more about the Bible, but there also needs to be a time that I just sit and meditate on it.  As most of you know, my dad opened a coffee/sandwich shop, so I've been working there, almost as much as he has. So I guess, you could say, "Life got in the way."

Think about that though.
Life.
Life.
Life....? LIFE got in the way of the one who IS life???

The thing that just blows me away every time i think about it, is the fact that even when WE are not faithful to God, HE ALWAYS IS. I really don't understand that.

A couple months ago, I went with a wonderful parachurch organization called Inner City Impact (you'll be hearing a lot about them) to a winter camp.  I can't remember what exactly we were talking about, but I know it was something along the lines of...yeah.. I can't remember. BUT, I do remember this part:
High school girls. Snow just outside .  It was a circular room.  We (the girls) had the comfy part of the room, with couches.  There was a fire in the fireplace.  The girls were listening as each shared about the topic being discussed.  It's beautiful really, the things that happen to hearts at camp.. "It's crazy to think that GOD would still put up with me, much less love me when I would rather play Flappy Bird, instead of spend time with him.  FLAPPY BIRD." I remember the girls laughing, and then sharing similar experiences.

So you might think this is a happy ending type of blog post.  Unfortunately, it's not.  I have been VERY irresponsible and undisciplined with spending time with God.  That is something that I need accountability on.

BUT, my friends, and this is a big BUT, while I was telling my mom about the thoughts of this past year.. She reminded me about something. I was telling her how some kids from ICI wrote me birthday letters.  "Well, what does that tell you about you're doing there? Growth doesn't always have to be in one specific area.  You've grown in other areas."....

Well.... when she put it like that... made it seem like this was a pretty good year after all. This year has taught me SO much about being a leader, what true discipleship looks like, and more.  Something that shocks me, is a line that was written in one of the letters I received for my birthday: "You taught me to smile."  To smile, people.  Something so simple. That meant SO much to me.

This year, my passion to serve God through ministering to youth has grown immensely.. kinda like from black to white.  It's always been something I've wanted to do, but now that I'm ACTUALLY doing it.. WOW.

So yeah, thanks for reading.. Sorry it was kinda long.. and as always, any questions/comments.. drop em in the comment section or message me.

DEUCES.

Grace and Truth

I just want to start out by apologizing for not posting these past.. 3 weeks? It's been a busy couple of weeks with outings after outings.  I also didn't really know what to write about.  Last night while I was thinking of possible topics, I remembered that I had a flash card of topics I was going to do for a YouTube channel I wanted to start a while back.  So unless there is something during each week that I want to talk about, then I am going to follow the flash card topics.

Now, for this week's topic..

Grace and Truth.

Those of you who know me on a "deeper level" know how much these two words mean to me, the change they have brought to my life.  Those of you who may not know what I'm talking about, let's rewind ALL the way back to my high school years (just kidding, it was like two years ago..). 

Setting: Christian Liberty Academy classroom, about 2:00 P.M.  
Characters: yours truly, and a teacher (who was also my best friend). 
Plot: I was having a hard time forgiving a family member after consistent dishonesty and heartbreak. 
      [Ohkay, I'm not really sure how to continue it in that format, so I'm just gonna go back to regular Vanessa conversational English.]
   So, I told my teacher the problem.  "I can't even talk to them anymore.  I'm so mad.  They have caused enough problems, and I'm sick of it. If I talk to them, I'm just gonna say stuff I shouldn't be saying or tell them off." 
    "Well, you can't ignore them.  They're your family.  And what kind of testimony would you be giving if you just ignored them?  I'm not minimizing the pain they put you and your family through, but you still have to speak to them.  Speak to them with Grace and Truth."

Grace and truth..? What's that?  He proceeded to explain how each of these two things were essential with loving people, especially those who have hurt you.  

Grace.

So this family member hurt me, right?  They deserve to be ignored, especially after time after time of hurt and heartbreak.  

But let's think about this for a second.  

When Jesus died on the cross for us, did he die for us for just that ONE time in our whole lives that we were going to hurt him?  

How about those other couple times we sinned against him?

After a few times of us breaking HIS heart, the God of the Universe, did he choose to ignore us?

Did he tell us off?

Did he appear in our rooms, ranting about how horrible we are?  How mad he is at us?

He didn't.  He died on the cross for all the sins we would ever commit against him.  

He gave us grace.  He still loves us after the daily, minute-by-minute heartbreak that we cause him.  

Truth. 

Let me get this straight, so I'm supposed to just pretend everything is fine and dandy- go on like there are no scars?? 

No, I'm not saying that either.  Neither was my teacher (I almost walked out the room when he was explaining this to me).  

The way he worded it was, "Look (insert name here), you really hurt me.  It has caused me to get bitter, but I know that's not right (thanks to Andy Mineo's 'Bitter').  I forgive you.  That is what Christ has done for me, and that's what he wants me to do. However, I will have more of a guard. Our relationship will be different.  You will have to earn your trust back."

Does that make sense? 

We forgive the people, but we don't let them walk all over us. 

Basically it's like a tough love type of thing.  

We forgive them, but we let them know that the relationship is going to be different.  

Towards the end of the conversation between me and my teacher, I asked him how did he expect me to do this.  He said, "Before you talk to them, say out loud 'Grace and Truth Vanessa, Grace and truth.'" I thought he was crazy.  The next time I saw my family member, I did.  I said it out loud, and I'm happy to say that I am no longer bitter towards them.  

(Can I just point out that as I am writing this, the sky is getting darker by the second?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!??!?!?!??!)

I hope you take this, and use it.  These two words have changed the way I deal with hurt.  I talk about this so much, I feel like i should get a tattoo of this (ha. just kidding).  I also want to point out that although I am coming along, I am not as loving, and forgiving as I should be.  I am nowhere near quick to forgive those who have hurt me. 

I'm not expecting you to either, 

I'm just here to help.    

   

The Body of Christ.

So, I was at the gym today.. ya know, going hard (if I do say so myself..).  I was walking out of the locker room.. when all of a sudden it hit me.  Not saying that I've never realized it before, but it hit me today, again.  And I can't help but just smile thinking about it.

It's amazing how God uses people, and who he decides to use.

A couple months back, I was talking to a friend.  We were just sitting on the grass, talking about life: the good, the bad, and the worst of it.  He told me what his "worst sin" was, something he had struggled with for a while.  He asked me mine, and the first thing I thought of, was of course, self-value.  He said, "Really? That's it."  It's like he knew I wasn't telling the whole truth.  I said, "Well, that's not the wooorrssstttttt thing.." "Then tell me!" he said.  "I can't tell you. It's disgusting for me to even think about it.  I can't. It's too bad."

Rewind a couple months before that.

I was sitting with the same friend, talking about life again.  I asked him to share a little bit more about his situation.  He refused, saying that he didn't want to be a burden, or a sob-story.  I told him, "Then what's the point of the body of Christ, if we can't help each other out.  We weren't meant to live this life on our own strength.  We need other people."

Now, go back to the grass. I hope you're still with me here..

"You can't tell me because you think it's too bad?  So what is the body of Christ for then, if you can't tell me?  That's what you said, right?  That we're supposed to share one another's burdens?"  After he said that, I was a bit embarrassed.  This boy just treated me with my own words! I eventually gave in, and told him.  He didn't think it was as bad as I did, because "everyone goes through that."

I am glad to write this to you today, proudly saying that after that day, I no longer struggle with that sin.  Before that day, it was always something building up inside of me, getting ready to explode.  But God used him to release me from that sin.

It's the beauty of the body of Christ, people.  It doesn't matter what you've done, how old you are, or whatever.  The body of Christ is meant to build each other up in love (1 Thessalonians 5:11).  I'm not saying I'm good at it, by any means.  The Lord knows how much I need to learn to love people.  If you've been in the car when I'm driving, you know exactly what I mean.

I think the beauty and work of the body of Christ, being a light in this world.. that's why I love what I'm doing now, working with high school students, and that's why I want to do this as a "career".  I can't imagine any other job being as fruitful as this. I want to show them who Christ is, by just being there for them.  Showing them the beauty of the body of Christ, hoping that one day, they might become a part of it too.    

Hello, Nice To Meet You.

I've always wanted to do something that would be public, something that would share my thoughts, beliefs, and feelings.  At first I wanted to start a Youtube channel called "Aye Mira!"  I would post videos every Monday, but that idea was shut down by school.  After that, I thought maybe an Instagram account would be easier.  I would post there, around 3-4 times a week.  "Pictures are easy," I figured.  But after a while, the pictures and captions became a bit redundant.  

 

I am a Bible-believing Christian.  Jesus is my Savior, and God is my King and my Father.  That being said, when I would do devotions, I would write them as if I were writing to an audience.  I don't know why, but it would just happen naturally. I thought it would be cool if I made them into a book for other people to read.  ... I don't think any editor would want to edit my book with all the mistakes inside.  So, the other night, I reactivated my Tumblr, thinking, "I'll just do them on here!"  But, at least from what I have seen, a blog shouldn't really be on Tumblr.. it should be on a more "sophisticated" website.  So, here I am.  

 

I guess I'll tell you a little bit more about myself now, instead of how I got to typing this.  I am the oldest of two, just me and my younger brother.  Grew up in a Christian household, always went to church, went to Christian schools for most of my educational years.  I am going to a Christian university now, and I love it.  I kind of have that normal "Christian" testimony.  I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was in... first? or second grade at Awana.  After that, since I was always in church, or in a Christian school, my faith was never really challenged.  That all changed my freshman year of high school. 

 

It's 2009.  My first day of high school.  I didn't want to go to that school.  It was in the suburbs.  I'm a city girl, for those of you who don't know me- so, you can imagine.. Anyways, my first three years of school were such a dramatic change from what I was used too.  I went from a school that the minority was white, to a school that I was the minority.  Not only that, but the kids at my new high school all knew each other since the womb (not really, but it seemed like that).  Thus, they all had their cliques.  This short new city Mexican girl was not going to fit in.  It was here, during these "lonely" three years that I learned to depend on God, run to him when it seemed like I had no one. 

 

God works in cool ways, ya know.  Most students wouldn't skip lunch to hang out with their teachers.  Most students wouldn't call their teachers their best friends.  Most students wouldnt't tell their teachers their struggles unless it had to do with an assignment.  I, on the other hand, did all of these things.  God blessed me with two amazing, Godly, loving teachers.  One was my Algebra and Chemistry teacher (which is funny, because math was my worst subject, and Chemistry.. well.. is mathy-science), and the other was my sophmore literature and anatomy (my FAVORITE CLASS THROUGHOUT HIGH SCHOOL) teacher.  I would skip lunch to talk to them.  I would use my free periods to just hang out with them.  I can't even begin to tell you how God used them, and CONTINUES to use them in my life, how they have helped me stay on the right path, and showed me the love of Christ.  

 

I always struggled with self-value.  Always.  I never had people tell me that I wasn't good enough, that I wouldn't make anything of myself... I honestly don't know where I got it from, I just ALWAYS had it.  My senior year, I was given the BLESSING of being on the student chapel team.  What this meant, was that I would give a message on a given Thursday to the student body.  This was probably one of the best "take-aways" I have from high school.  I can honestly say that I gave it my all, and I gave the messages whole-heartedly.  However, whenever I would give a message, or even practice it with the team, I was ALWAYS worried about what people would think, whether they would be affected by it, if they would laugh at my jokes (I think that was my biggest worry...), etc.  How could I tell people the value that they have in Christ, when I didn't even know it for myself?  That's something one of my teacher-friends told me.  "You can't see the value of others, if you can't see your own." That hurt me so much.  "So what, I can't help other people just because I don't think good about myself?!?!" I thought to myself.  

 

Warning: this next part is going to sound SO INCREDIBLY CLICHE,

BUT I PROMISE IT HAD A GOOD ENDING.

 

On March 2nd, 2013 I went to a conference with my church called Finishing With No Regrets.  I can honestly say, without a shadow of a doubt, that God used that conference to break down the steel, brick, cement, anything strong- barriers in my heart.  It was the simple words of the speaker that opened my eyes.  "Nothing you ever do, could ever change the value you have in God.  YOU, ARE A DAUGHTER OF THE KING.  Nothing you do will ever make God love you more or less."  You mean, I could win all the MVP awards, in every sport I play, and God wouldn't suddenly start paying more attention to my prayers?  So.... with these.. zero MVP trophies... God still cares about me??  Literally, after that day, I lived a life of freedom.  I saw my value in God, and nothing else.  Let me tell you, ever since then, it has been nothing but growth.  Sure, there have been some ups and downs, but through it all, I am still sure of my value. It won't change, like it would if it was in this world.  

 

But hey,  I'm a daughter of the King. 

Nice to meet you.